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Ditch the list, work on your bucket list instead
06 August 2009
The other day I had a conversation with a member that broke my heart. It was because lots of women with their "lists" had looked him over simply because he was divorced. To me he was the perfect catch for someone. Good looking, kind, intelligent. Why was the fact that he was divorced such a big deal? I was in a long term relationship that failed for longer than he was married. We have all been in failed relationships. I hear the same story week after week from women who have children and guys who don`t want to date them because they feel they will play second fiddle all of the time.

I know lots of people who wont even talk to a smoker or someone who has children because those are definite no, no`s on the list. Someone even told me the person they would marry has to work for a certain company!
The fact of the matter is when you meet someone you really, really like, in a matter of minutes you have forgotten what was on your list. I for one have ditched my list time and time again when I`ve been attracted to someone.

If you need something to help you maintain a standard you want to set for yourself, you can rely on your friends and family to be apply the judgements. The things we try to protect ourselves from can usually be overcome in a loving, committed relationship. If you do meet someone who has children and this was not in your plan, if the relationship has what it takes to make it last, you will all learn to get along well. I`ve seen it work out on many occasions. Imagine you lose out on love for the rest of your life because you couldn`t see past a cigarette or the children that she loves.

A friend told me that her husband is way better than what was on her "list". In fact she said, "the list limited her".

Take a piece of my mind. If someone interests you, go with it. Don`t fall into the 20 questions trap to try and rule them out of the game. Try not to put boundaries on who you talk to and be kind to everyone.

Please ditch the "list" and work on your bucket list instead.

Comments
1 So true! So many people set very unfair limits on themselves and others, and probably remain single a lot longer than others. Another way of looking at it, if limits are set, rather see them as guidelines, and not barriers. A lot of the time these "guidelines" fall away as you get to know someone that you feel naturally attracted to.
Added By: Colin - 09 August 2009
2 I hear what you are saying. But here is the flip side to this. I am 34, single, attractive. Never been married, no kids. Healthy. Not a bunny boiler. Not insecure or needy. I can write a book on my dating history, which I can say has indeed put me off. I didn`t have a list, or ask twenty questions ... or perhaps didn`t ask enough of the right questions, I gave these lovely divorced men a chance, the lovely men with kids, a chance... in fact, more than one chance. Even the 45 year old bachelors who lied about their ages, so I wouldn`t say they were too old. Once they had me on a first date, they would tell me they lied. Fair enough. Little did I realize that such a simple lie, breeds more lies and games. I never looked at their cars, or their bank accounts. I didn`t expect them to give up their hobbies, their social lives, their `female` friends. Then I realized that their female friends were so special to them because they were shagging them. And you know
Added By: M - 11 August 2009
3 Funny you should mention that! The same could be said for the town or suburb that someone hails from, or their educational level. I went to one of your events in Sandton last week. Hailing from Edenvale on the East Rand (of Gauteng, for those who don`t know), I was a little apprehensive to throw myself into an event which would most likely be attended by real "Sandtonistas", but decided to give it a try anyway. It was an enjoyable evening, and lots of ladies seemed to like me, but I didn`t get any matches the following day - not even one! I felt afterwards that I may have been dismissed because I don`t live in Sandton or Randburg and I don`t have a degree. I have met people with degrees who cannot even spell properly! Maybe you should consider hosting more events in the East Rand so that I can meet like-minded people, because Edenvale is hardly a small third-world country, and not having a degree hardly makes one a retard.
Added By: Marcharl Jankowitz - 26 April 2010
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